This is also a safe place for me to write about my experiences and if you threaten that safety, I will deal with you in whatever way is appropriate for the situation.
This post is lengthy, so if you do not like that kind of post, you should stop now.
Preschool - Elementary School
I was a very active child. You could barely get me to sit
down and focus on anything, but I wasn’t active to the point of disruption.
Educators loved me because I was a typical “good student”. I made good grades,
was well mannered, didn’t interrupt lessons, participated, and wasn’t tardy. Even
though I was a good student, educators did have one problem with my
performance. I had a few quirks that kept me from starting or finishing school
work on time.
Before each assignment or activity, I needed to have all my
supplies lined up perfectly or I couldn’t start and by the time I usually
started, I didn’t remember the directions anymore. My behavior puzzled my
teachers and they always commented on my “quirks” during parent-teacher
conferences, but since I made straight-A’s, no one was worried. This behavior
worsened as I moved into middle and high school.
Middle School
During middle school, I had a hard time adjusting to the
workload. I could perform well on all of the standardized tests, scoring in the
80s and 90s in most subjects without much studying, but I easily became
overwhelmed by classwork and assignments. I didn’t turn in assignments or
projects because I frequently forgot due dates, chronically procrastinated, and
unachieved despite my test scores.
There’s one parent-teacher conference in particular that I
remember having in 7th grade. My teacher told my Grandmother that I
was wasting my potential because I had a high IQ, amazing test scores, and
chalked up my underachievement to laziness and an inability to care about my
future. This has stuck with me since then. I have never felt more stupid in my
life. It was from this point on that I became disenchanted with school in
general.
I loved learning, but being in a traditional school setting
made me feel like I was being suffocated. After chronically failing by the
seventh week of each new semester, I wondered if I was even worth teaching. I even
avoided applying to high school because I knew that even though I was smart,
they would look at my grades and not give me a chance to prove myself. Grades
are equated with IQ and ability to comprehend, and my grades did not
demonstrate that whatsoever. I ended up being forced to apply to a school very
far from my house because they would accept anyone.
High School
In high school, I assumed the same pattern as I did in
middle school. I would be fine in the first couple of weeks of school, but
would fail the class and have to do make-up work to pass. I became somewhat of
a joke to my peers and educators. They would express that someone who scored so
highly on standardized tests should be able to complete assignments and
projects, and remember to bring my supplies to class. I truly felt that I
wouldn’t survive high school.
During middle and high school, I had a series of tragedies
happen in my life and I sought counseling to cope. When my peers found out, I
was bullied almost daily and suffered from depression. Seeing a professional
didn’t help me very much because I knew that as a minor, anything I revealed
could be used against me. I was right. Counselors were speaking very loudly one
day in their office and some of my peers overheard, causing my mental health
status to become something many people joked about and teased me for.
It was at this time, coupled with my miserable academic record that signed myself out of high school and became homeschooled through an online, but public state school. Suffering from depression, the isolation of homeschooling made learning difficult. After six month I quit and began homeschooling myself.
After attending free classes offered by the City of
Philadelphia, checking out library books, and using the internet to find other
resources, I successfully passed the GED with a score of 86%. As I was handed
the test results by the receptionist, she commented that I should’ve stayed in
school if I was able to get a score like that. I simply told her that
traditional school was the wrong environment for me and I was much better off
learning the material on my own.
This is yet another example of someone assuming that my
grades or scores dictated my ability to learn and retain information and that I
had squandered my education. An assumption I had heard my entire life.
College
When I started college, I learned I was behind in
mathematics. I struggled with the entrance exam, barely placing out of remedial
classes. I had forgotten the basics of everything I’d learned in school and through
studying independently. I thought I would suffer the same fate in my college
career as I did in my primary and secondary school years, but to my surprise, I
had a 4.0 GPA for four semesters.
I did great in college and thought the spell that kept me
from achieving was finally broken, then, in my fifth semester, I started having
trouble concentrating.
First, I started mixing up simple spellings of words, then I couldn’t read from my textbook because the print was too small, I was reading the same paragraph over and over without noticing, I would become overwhelmed with assignments and forget due dates. I was becoming a mess. I dropped a lot of courses before I could fail them and eventually my school dropped me from enrollment even though I had a 3.14 GPA and I lost my financial aid.
I stopped going to college until I re-enrolled recently.
Workforce
My struggle with Adult ADD didn’t only affect my academic
life. I also had trouble concentrating at work, staying on task, and completing
tasks. I even lost a job because I forgot which days I was scheduled to work,
so they stopped calling me in to cover for people. This was my first real job
and I blamed myself for being lazy and forgetful, despite that I when I worked
I went above and beyond, sometimes skipping my lunches and working 10+ hours
without a break. I felt that if I could lose a job because I didn’t remember to
come in, I wasn’t worth anything.
While working at my second job, as a Computer Technician, I constantly lost screws and forgot passwords to systems. I was also reviewed by my managers as being ambitious, but inattentive and the repeatedly asked me to focus more. I wanted to tell them I was doing my best, but I didn’t want them to think I was worthless. This caused me to work twice as hard as anyone else that first year. I put in 227 more hours than my peers and I landed a management position for my second year with the organization.
I was a miserable leader in my second year. Not only did I injure myself at work, I had no idea how to manage a team and stay organized. With very little help and guidance from my superiors, I stepped down from my position, but continued to co-manage my team. I was given the unofficial title of assistant office manager and only took on managerial duties when needed. I learned to be more organized and this would later help me when I began running this blog.
Personal Life
My personal goals for myself revolved around academia. In
high school I had decided on becoming a Neuroscientist, but my grades and
attitude towards traditional schooling dictated that it was probably not
possible for me to achieve those goals.
Living with Adult ADD has altered my perception of myself and my ability to become a successful person.
Parenting
The biggest hurdle I’ve had to overcome as someone living
with this disorder is whether or not I am a fit parent. I am in no means
negligent towards my son, but I have a very hard time managing everyday things
that I think someone without my disorder would be able to handle.
An example is that I have had to reschedule appointments multiple times for Eli’s shots and well visits. Or I’ve called in a medication early only to forget about it until the current prescription is empty. Or, that I would write down a to-do list and then lose the list before I could complete any of the tasks. While I’ve learned that much of these behaviors are chronic and symptoms of Adult ADD, it is still unnerving and embarrassing.
Thank you so much for reading part one of my blog post. I hope to have part two up tomorrow.
Until, next time friends,
♥ Domonique ♥
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